Catechism Buzz: An Alternate Beginning

1 Fifteen billion years ago, give or take, WHWH* watched the heavens begin to form. Earth would come later.
2 (This verse left intentionally blank to allow for date changes due to mathematical, scientific, or philosophical error)
3 The spirit of Weh-weh hovered in the midst of the aftermath of the Big Bang and said, “Since Time’s already underway, let there be Chance!” Chance was already there too.
4 And Weh-weh attempted to separate the Time from the Chance, but they could not be separated. And Weh-weh cried, “Nooooooooooo!”
5 And there was Time, and there was Chance, one Aeon.

6 Some billions of years later, Weh-weh noticed that the earth had formed somewhere in the lower left of the heavens.
7 Since there was carbon in its primordial soup, Weh-weh sought to persuade Time and Chance to get to work making some proteins so there could be life.
8 Time and Chance said, “This could take a few billion years.” And Weh-weh cried, “Nooooooooooo!”
9 And there was Time, and there was Chance, the second Aeon.

10 After a few more billion years, Weh-weh awoke to find that the earth was now teeming with life. Dinosaurs roamed the earth, preying on one another.
11 And Weh-weh saw that it was harsh.
12 So Weh-weh begged Time and Chance to make something fuzzy.
13 Therefore Time and Chance slammed a meteoroid into the earth, causing a drastic cooling, wiping out most of the life, except for the fuzzy ones. And Weh-weh cried, “Nooooooooooo!”
14 And there was Time, and there was Chance, the third Aeon.

15 And Weh-weh saw that Time and Chance were speeding things up a bit, and he began to be pleased.
16 And he said to them, “I would like to make something of my own now. In my own image I would like to make it.”
17 And Time and Chance chuckled and said, “As if! We’ll take care of the heavy lifting, thank you very much.” And Weh-weh cried, “Nooooooooooo!”
18 And there was Time, and there was Chance, the fourth Aeon.

19 After another million years had passed, Time and Chance brought forth a man before Weh-weh. "Kinda hairy," said Weh-weh, "and kinda dumb."
20 Time and Chance said to him, "You know how we work." And Weh-weh said, "It will have to do. Keep going."
21 And there was Time and there was Chance, the fifth Aeon.

22 After another hundred thousand years, Time and Chance brought the man before Weh-weh and said, "We have now made him into your image, for we have given him Reason."
23 And Weh-weh said to the man, “Behold your god!”
24 And the man spoke to Weh-weh and said, "Who are you? I worship Time and Chance, for it is they who made me." And Weh-weh cried, “Nooooooooooo!”
25 And there was Time and there was Chance, the sixth Aeon.

26 By the seventh Aeon, all was underway. On the seventh Aeon, Weh-weh slept, and he slumbers still.

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* In all probability pronounced Weh-weh, with a nasal whine like a fussy baby’s cry. Some scholars prefer Wha-wha, in descending tones, similar to the sad trombone sound.