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Catechism Buzz: An Alternate Beginning

12 April 2011 by David Regier

Q. 15. What is the work of creation?
A. The work of creation is that wherein God did in the beginning, by the word of his power, make of nothing the world, and all things therein, for himself, within the space of six days, and all very good.

Q. 16. How did God create angels?
A. God created all the angels spirits, immortal, holy, excelling in knowledge, mighty in power, to execute his commandments, and to praise his name, yet subject to change.

Q. 17. How did God create man?
A. After God had made all other creatures, he created man male and female; formed the body of the man of the dust of the ground, and the woman of the rib of the man, endued them with living, reasonable, and immortal souls; made them after his own image, in knowledge, righteousness, and holiness; having the law of God written in their hearts, and power to fulfill it, and dominion over the creatures; yet subject to fall.

1 Fifteen billion years ago, give or take, WHWH* watched the heavens begin to form. Earth would come later.
2 (This verse left intentionally blank to allow for date changes due to mathematical, scientific, or philosophical error)
3 The spirit of Weh-weh hovered in the midst of the aftermath of the Big Bang and said, “Since Time’s already underway, let there be Chance!” Chance was already there too.
4 And Weh-weh attempted to separate the Time from the Chance, but they could not be separated. And Weh-weh cried, “Nooooooooooo!”
5 And there was Time, and there was Chance, one Aeon.

6 Some billions of years later, Weh-weh noticed that the earth had formed somewhere in the lower left of the heavens.
7 Since there was carbon in its primordial soup, Weh-weh sought to persuade Time and Chance to get to work making some proteins so there could be life.
8 Time and Chance said, “This could take a few billion years.” And Weh-weh cried, “Nooooooooooo!”
9 And there was Time, and there was Chance, the second Aeon.

10 After a few more billion years, Weh-weh awoke to find that the earth was now teeming with life. Dinosaurs roamed the earth, preying on one another.
11 And Weh-weh saw that it was harsh.
12 So Weh-weh begged Time and Chance to make something fuzzy.
13 Therefore Time and Chance slammed a meteoroid into the earth, causing a drastic cooling, wiping out most of the life, except for the fuzzy ones. And Weh-weh cried, “Nooooooooooo!”
14 And there was Time, and there was Chance, the third Aeon.

15 And Weh-weh saw that Time and Chance were speeding things up a bit, and he began to be pleased.
16 And he said to them, “I would like to make something of my own now. In my own image I would like to make it.”
17 And Time and Chance chuckled and said, “As if! We’ll take care of the heavy lifting, thank you very much.” And Weh-weh cried, “Nooooooooooo!”
18 And there was Time, and there was Chance, the fourth Aeon.

19 After another million years had passed, Time and Chance brought forth a man before Weh-weh. "Kinda hairy," said Weh-weh, "and kinda dumb."
20 Time and Chance said to him, "You know how we work." And Weh-weh said, "It will have to do. Keep going."
21 And there was Time and there was Chance, the fifth Aeon.

22 After another hundred thousand years, Time and Chance brought the man before Weh-weh and said, "We have now made him into your image, for we have given him Reason."
23 And Weh-weh said to the man, “Behold your god!”
24 And the man spoke to Weh-weh and said, "Who are you? I worship Time and Chance, for it is they who made me." And Weh-weh cried, “Nooooooooooo!”
25 And there was Time and there was Chance, the sixth Aeon.

26 By the seventh Aeon, all was underway. On the seventh Aeon, Weh-weh slept, and he slumbers still.

* In all probability pronounced Weh-weh, with a nasal whine like a fussy baby’s cry. Some scholars prefer Wha-wha, in descending tones, similar to the sad trombone sound.

Comments

Neil

When will the whole thing be available on Kindle? I wish to meditate on Alternate Luke 24.

Frank Turk

There is nothing wrong with this post that time and chance won't fix. They have in fact already fixed it.

Matt Gumm

At the risk of simply being a mutual admiration society, I agree with Fred. And I am surprised that Neil jumped directly to the NT & didn't want the alternate Leviticus or Isaiah 6.

Fred Butler

BTW,
Karl Giberson Ph.D, wants you to know he doesn't believe this is necessarily inerrant.

Rachael Starke

I'm at The Gospel Coalition conference and I'm so totally sure you just cut and pasted that from one of the new free Bibles Crossway put in our welcome bags.

John

"4 And Weh-weh attempted to separate the Time from the Chance, but they could not be separated. And Weh-weh cried, “Nooooooooooo!”"

Um, that would be an incorrect translation, Franklestein. The actual words of Weh-weh were "Oh noooooooooooooeeeeeeeeeeeezzzz!"

Matt Gumm

By the way--how come this isn't posted on the Biologos front page?

VicFontaine

I love it. I sense a postmodern, perfect potpourri blend of Star Trek, Star Wars ("Luke, I am your father." "NoooooooooooOOOOOOOoooO!!!!!"), the Bible, and Isaac Asimov's short story with a title I can't remember but where the final scene ends with the human race, which has lived throughout eternity, simply being silent. PS - time and chance will solve the previous run-on sentence.

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