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An Alternate End

22 July 2011 by David Regier

Q. 29. What are the punishments of sin in the world to come?
A. The punishments of sin in the world to come, are everlasting separation from the comfortable presence of God, and most grievous torments in soul and body, without intermission, in hellfire forever.

21:1 Then I saw an old heaven and an old earth, for they were still around, just older, and the sea was still there.

2 And I saw the very nice city, New Grand Rapids, coming over by the lake from WHWH*, prepared as a girl that has been through one too many rounds of speed-dating.

3 And I heard a weary voice from the podium saying, "Look, the dwelling place of Weh-weh is here, behind this podium. Keep yourselves off the dais, you're kind of gross. Weh-weh needs his space.

4 Cry yourselves a river, for he is tired of your whining. He's doing the best he can to keep you happy, get you decent health care, and that immortality diet thing he's been talking about, which has been just around the corner, like forever."

5 And he who was standing behind the podium said, "Look, it's always the same." Also he said, "But don't quote me on this."

6 And he said to me, "Really, I'm almost done! I am all over it, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. If you'll hang with me a little longer, I promise you, orange slices and Capri Sun® for everyone. If you paid your registration fee."

7 Everyone who plays the game gets a trophy, and I'll be the coach, and you'll be my team.

8 But for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, they get the trophy too, shortly after everybody else does. Just to make it sting a little."

9 Then came one of the seven assistant coaches who had the seven bowls full of the orange slices and spoke to me saying, "Thanks for playing, that was a great season, we'll see you at the pizza party, make sure you bring $15 for the coach's gift."

* In all probability pronounced Weh-weh, with a nasal whine like a fussy baby’s cry. Some scholars prefer Wha-wha, in descending tones, similar to the sad trombone sound.



I've been to Grand Rapids. Nice place. Not too hot, not too cold.

Rachael Starke

I was worried that this was so evilly genius, it might be kind of blapspheemy.

But then I realized it's completely and utterly true. We are a blaspheemy people.

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